Realize.

Yesterday I realized something deeply unsettling, something that I had yet to encounter in life. I realized that I cannot trust one person in my life. There has always been that one person, whether it be a friend, boyfriend or even a teacher, that I could trust. However now, things are no longer like that. I always thought I could put trust into at least one person outside of my mom and grandma, but now I realize that I don't have that security anymore. As much as I hate to say this, my "brother-from-another-mother" lied to me yesterday. Now, it wasn't a gigantic lie or anything, but still, it was a lie. And that's what flipped that little switch in my brain, the "Realize Switch". It's that little light that goes on when you finally realize something that you had always been blind to. I realized that even the people I think to be the closest to me, always have and always will lie to me. It pains me that almost all my life experiences with people have caused me to believe that everyone lies. (Jeez, I remind myself of House M.d.).

A week ago I realized a reality that I had been hiding from myself for many months. Now to you, this may be minor or repetitive, but.. I still miss my Ex. I realized that I miss him terribly, and also, that he is the dreadful reason why I cannot trust anyone in my life anymore. Now to be honest with you, he could have had anything that he wanted, and he could have had a woman that would do anything and everything for him. However, he made stupid choices and turned it down. As much wrong as he has done to me, I still miss him and I still love him. I've been telling myself for months that I was over him, but I realized that I'm not, and that just means I'm a big fat liar to myself.

A month ago I realized that right now in my life, I am going no where. It's like I am at a stand still, stuck on pause not moving forward but the days carrying on. Not being in school kills me slowly from the inside out (even though these days I feel it's a lot quicker than "slowly"). And it sucks that the reason I am not in school IS because of the fact that I am a big fat liar to myself. I continuously tell my self I will get back in school, but I never really take the steps to make it happen. It's like I know what I need to do, but I can't bring my self to do it.

Finally, a year ago I realized that I absolutely terrified of failure. Always have been and always will be. And that realization right there is the reason why I cannot trust, love or move forward in life. I'm petrified that I am going to find a way to fail at being a friend, somehow create a problem that is not there. I'm scared that I will fail at a relationship once again, and that is why I don't put myself out there anymore. I already lost the one person that understands me, why do I want to go through that again? Lastly, I don't want to let everyone down by failing college. I'm so afraid that if I go back to college I'll fail, again. I was always that bright girl, but now I am not so sure. The one thing I am sure of, FAILURE is probably my biggest fear.

Realizations--They really make you think. Comprehend why your doing what your doing, or even why your acting the way your acting. Realizations can either change you for the best or the worse, and I guess we will just have to see the result of what happens to me.