Lost In This World.

You know, sometimes I really wonder what I am doing in life. Wondering whether I am making the right decisions to move forward or using every ounce of power in me to better my future. People have so many different outlooks on what life is supposed to mean. What is supposed to be done, and what the true purpose of living is all about. Some say to live every day as if it were your last, others say to take the time to acknowledge the little things that put a smile on our face and the romantics say to live for love. Then you have the people that know the exact answer. Work hard, move forward, start a career and be someone important. So which is right? What really is our purpose here? Are we supposed to live on the edge? Jump out of a plane and live for the pure adrenaline we have running through our veins? Or are we supposed to watch the sunset and study a family bound together by pure happiness? What about love? Should we live our lives looking for that one person who we are going to spend it with?

I don’t know these answers, and I wish I did. Every day I see the people around me doing things to better their future and I don’t understand why I can’t do that too. I see these people going to school, working hard and even see people younger than me already creating a career for themselves. But what I am supposed to do? There are the ones that go to college, the ones that fall in love, and the ones that just don’t care about anything else other than going to extremes and enjoying every day they wake up. How can they be so fearless? How do I achieve that? What do I do to make my life meaningful? To make something of myself? I’m terrified of failure and I’m even more petrified of losing anyone I even obtain some kind of feeling for. I envy the people who can live their life with walls down and a plan in their head. Four years ago, I thought I was that person; I thought that I had everything figured out. Go to school, major in genetics, fall in love and live happily ever after. However as the days went on that plan seemed more and more like it wasn’t going to fit me. Now, 21 years old, what do I have to show for it?

I was watching a movie the other day, and one of the characters asked, “Why can’t there be a recipe book for life?” she was answered with, “You know better than anyone else, it’s the recipes we make ourselves that are the best”. This corny statement makes so much sense, and holds so much truth within it, but what happens when you can’t cook? What happens when you can’t make your own recipe, how do you figure out life?

I Couldn't Leave You

"I Couldn't Leave You"

Yup, one in the same and how the fuck did it happen
We both grew up wonderin' where Dad went
I hate him wit a passion, but still look for the dude
I'm just tryin' to be normal; I see you lookin' too
A pair of new shoes maybe a motherfuckin' bike
Nope, a chestful of pain, I guess he forcin' me to write
He's gonna be here today
Maybe he'll pick me up at night
Shit, in prison visits this bitch was never in sight
He did two things right, we gotta thank him for this shit
He helped make us and then on cue the bitch split
I'm a fool for this shit; I'm still thankin' the man
After I seen who he was; It helped made who I am
It started shapin' the plan to neva be like him
He's a mothafuckin' loser, all i, all i do is win
Keep it ballin' till the end and I'm takin' you wit me
Family comes first I'm re-writing the history


I couldn't leave you even if I had a coke habit
Couldn't leave you even if I was datin' a crack addict
Couldn't leave even if New York was callin' my name
I couldn't leave you, we family same blood in our veins


You is my shadow, my concious, my intution
My fuckin' visine, red eyes clear my vision
Little partna listen, I'ma hold you up
If you eva feelin' weak, Ima be your crutch
For me it's tough to sit and spit on soft shit
My mask is off open up my closet
And let em in! Man I'm feelin' naucous
My world spins, it turns, it rolls and tosses
No fuckin' losses we comin' up!
We live like bosses, no fuckin' chumps
It's sad enough, 20 years and I missed ya
I won't neva leave you, eva, you my little sista
Our pops switched up, sniffed up and dipped up
I was hot shit, on top, but then I slipped up
Now let me get up I'ma make betta days
The weather change but young Fre$h he foreva stays

My Long Boring Weekend.

These last few days, not including last night, have been pretty uneventful. I had numerous plans for each night starting Wednesday, but of course they all fell through. I absolutely hate when that happens! With all the bad that did happen these past couple of days, there was something pretty cool that did happen. We were walking down at Belle Isle and we found this little secret trail, it's really nice and just away from everything && everywhere else. There was a little beach right by the water, and a nature trail you can walk through. It was pretty peaceful. Although things were pretty uneventful, I still managed to escape my room and enjoy the weather. Here are some snapshots of the past couple of days:

Like or No? My friend says it's cool in a "Ke$ha" way. Lol.


Me being... well, me being ME!

Me && My Boy Billy. Best Friends Since 3rd Grade.


Me && My Girl Shay!

Picture Taken By: My Girl Shay. Edited by: Muah!

Realize.

Yesterday I realized something deeply unsettling, something that I had yet to encounter in life. I realized that I cannot trust one person in my life. There has always been that one person, whether it be a friend, boyfriend or even a teacher, that I could trust. However now, things are no longer like that. I always thought I could put trust into at least one person outside of my mom and grandma, but now I realize that I don't have that security anymore. As much as I hate to say this, my "brother-from-another-mother" lied to me yesterday. Now, it wasn't a gigantic lie or anything, but still, it was a lie. And that's what flipped that little switch in my brain, the "Realize Switch". It's that little light that goes on when you finally realize something that you had always been blind to. I realized that even the people I think to be the closest to me, always have and always will lie to me. It pains me that almost all my life experiences with people have caused me to believe that everyone lies. (Jeez, I remind myself of House M.d.).

A week ago I realized a reality that I had been hiding from myself for many months. Now to you, this may be minor or repetitive, but.. I still miss my Ex. I realized that I miss him terribly, and also, that he is the dreadful reason why I cannot trust anyone in my life anymore. Now to be honest with you, he could have had anything that he wanted, and he could have had a woman that would do anything and everything for him. However, he made stupid choices and turned it down. As much wrong as he has done to me, I still miss him and I still love him. I've been telling myself for months that I was over him, but I realized that I'm not, and that just means I'm a big fat liar to myself.

A month ago I realized that right now in my life, I am going no where. It's like I am at a stand still, stuck on pause not moving forward but the days carrying on. Not being in school kills me slowly from the inside out (even though these days I feel it's a lot quicker than "slowly"). And it sucks that the reason I am not in school IS because of the fact that I am a big fat liar to myself. I continuously tell my self I will get back in school, but I never really take the steps to make it happen. It's like I know what I need to do, but I can't bring my self to do it.

Finally, a year ago I realized that I absolutely terrified of failure. Always have been and always will be. And that realization right there is the reason why I cannot trust, love or move forward in life. I'm petrified that I am going to find a way to fail at being a friend, somehow create a problem that is not there. I'm scared that I will fail at a relationship once again, and that is why I don't put myself out there anymore. I already lost the one person that understands me, why do I want to go through that again? Lastly, I don't want to let everyone down by failing college. I'm so afraid that if I go back to college I'll fail, again. I was always that bright girl, but now I am not so sure. The one thing I am sure of, FAILURE is probably my biggest fear.

Realizations--They really make you think. Comprehend why your doing what your doing, or even why your acting the way your acting. Realizations can either change you for the best or the worse, and I guess we will just have to see the result of what happens to me.

Springs Comin' In Michigan :D

Wow, so these past few days have been absolutely beautiful, weather wise. The sun has been shining, and the high in Detroit was 78°! I absolutely love being down by the water when I don't have to work, and the weather is amazing. So on Wednesday, I picked up two friends, one who I have not seen in forever, and the other being my brother-from-another-mother. We took our first trip of the year (at least during the day) to Belle Isle. Now let me tell you, Belle Isle is like my second home during the summer. For those of you know who don't know it's a pretty big park that is an isle close by downtown Detroit. Of course, I took pictures (as you will soon see, I take lots of pictures) && we even got some real pretty ones :)

Me && Shay BayBay

Me && My-Brother-From-Another-Mother

Detroit Love <3


Sun Set Down At Belle Isle.

I love how good weather can always brighten your mood. It's like the chicken soup of depression, the Dayquil of down spirits, the best medicine the doctor can prescribe.
These past few days have really been an eye opener of.. I hate to say it.. hope. I saw a glimpse of a happy future these past couple of days. Don't ask me why, because I couldn't really tell you what I saw, but it was the feeling I had. Maybe 2010 won't be a horrible year after all. :D

Will Faith Really Guide You Down The Correct Path?

I have to say, never in my twenty years of being alive did I expect that what has happened, would happen. When I was younger, I learned that bad guys go to jail and if you are good everything will be okay. But then, this happens; She did everything right her entire life. Now, she may be facing a dreadful future for something that she did not do. Why do they prosecute the poor? The innocent? This "amazing" government that America is supposed to have makes its profit off prosecuting the innocent because they are an easy target and an easy win. I personally know many people who are out there breaking the law everyday; Selling drugs, stealing cars, robbing people, these are all things that we could live without in this world, so why aren't our wonderful law enforcement out there fighting this?

Deep down I know she is going to be okay, and I know if I have faith everything will turn out the way it should. I just keep asking myself, will faith really guide us down the right path? A lot of things haven't turned out correctly in my life, but I really need this to go smoothly. She is a strong individual, a wonderful parent and has morals coming out of her ears. This woman does not deserve what is happening to her, and I believe that this is nothing more than a test. A test that she will prevail in, and in the end this will only make our family stronger. Right now, I do believe that if you have faith things will turn out right. I am hoping and praying that our family gets through this, and I hope that you all can do the same for me, and for her.

Faith: Confident belief in the truth, value or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.

This blog is about starting a new beginning, and to start this change off I'll say some things I could never say honestly before. I have faith in her. I have faith the truth will prevail. I have faith that everything will turn out correctly, everything. && most importantly, I have faith that my life will be a miraculous journey to finding myself, and I will be happy.

Always Do You.

While I was in high school, I only ever saw one thing in my future that was a 100% certainty, college. All I wanted was to further my education, I wanted to be in a better position than my family has always been in, and I worked hard to make sure that dream would come true. For me, school always came naturally, yeah I still put in effort and worked hard, but I usually understood the material pretty fast. I took four years of Spanish, was in the National Honor Society for two years, and took 8 college classes my senior year (some of those classes including Physics, Calculus 1 and Calculus 2). Although I wasn't the biggest fan of school, I loved putting my knowledge to use and taking the mind I was given to figure things out. By the time it came time to graduate, I was 7th in my class and was deciding which college I wanted to go to. Funny thing is, for a girl who wanted desperately to go to college, I only applied to two colleges. Wayne State University and Western Michigan University. Why only two? WSU made the most sense when it came to staying around my current city, the college was right downtown and was known for it's medical programs. WMU, now that was my dream. Who wouldn't want to go to a school who's nickname is "Wastern Michigan". When it came down to getting away from this tiny city, meeting new people and partying it up, WMU was my answer. So, which did I choose... Wayne State. And why did I pick to throw away my dream school and attend a closer one? Sadly, as much as I hate to say, the reason was a boy. Now, I am not saying that this man had a say in my decision, it was my choice and it was my mistake. As you can probably assume through my word mistake, we are no longer together. I decided to throw away my education because of a male. Really Amanda? I ask myself that question everyday, along with What was I thinking?
Basically the synopsis of this story is I threw away my goal of a further education because of a relationship, and no woman should ever throw away anything for a man. If I could have known then what I know now, oh man how I would do things differently. I've been stuck in a rut for two years now because of a decision I made then, and now, I have no idea how to turn my life around. I want anyone that reads this, just to realize that you can't throw away your goals and beliefs because of a relationship. Concentrate on yourself and only you, because once you stop, you'll have no idea how to start again..